1. Everything is shiny and white. Everything. For any guy that hasn’t set foot in some kind of spa or fancy salon, they’re mysterious obelisks jutting up out of the ground like mysterious teeth. Shiny white outsides and shiny white insides, guys assume that that they look like the kind of utopian futures where everything is pristine and shiny eggshell white. The robes, the chairs, the walls, the ceiling, everything.
2. There’s fruit? There’s plates of fruit everywhere, because fruit is healthy and apparently so are oatmeal scrubs or cucumber baths or whatever the hell is happening over there.
3. At some point you wear facemasks and discuss things. Using most rom-coms as a frame of reference, a group of women discuss some key plot point and then the main character has a change of heart. Whatever the real-life equivalent of that is, though.
4. You drink some green shake. It's full of vitamins and tastes like a butt, if butts were full of vitamins.
5. A woman is very rough with your feet. Someone, at some point during a pedicure or other foot treatment (are there other foot treatments?) will roughly handle your foot enough to make you uncomfortable. She will continue to assault your foot despite your pained facial expressions. Frankly, this seems really counterintuitive and anti-consumer.
6. You’ll try at least one weird new-age treatment. Most of your spa gauntlet consists of the usual masks and peels, but you’ll do at least one weird thing, like get submerged in honey or enter a sensory deprivation chamber after becoming a human lettuce wrap. Because somehow that helps with your antioxidants or whatever.
7. You spend a lot of money. We’ve been over the fact that this place is incredibly clean and full of fruit to eat. Cleanliness and fruit aren’t cheap.
8. There’s a massage. And that’s honestly the real reason you showed up. You may have gotten a package deal for all this other stuff, but you’re just there to get your body kneaded.
9. You enter a steam room. Because after they spent all day slopping gunk all over your face, you definitely need to unclog your pores.
10. You’re purging yourself of toxins. Whatever that means.
Follow Frank on Twitter.
