Is this the best hotel in London for a spa break?

Como Metropolitan
Spa staycationers at COMO Metropolitan London can expect bucolic Hyde Park views from the rooms Credit: Martin Morrell/Martin Morrell

Life coaching. I mean it just seems so LA cheese – in the same category as small dogs in Louis Vuitton handbags and Tom Cruise. But recently – and maybe it’s the steadily approaching 30th birthday – this strange curiosity for how to achieve mental clarity (along with skills in pickling vegetables and pottery) has started creeping up on me. So when I heard that Toby Mcguire – one of London’s leading '‘mind and body experts' was offering sessions at COMO Metropolitan London, I signed up – emotions jangling with both intrigue and anxiety.

I was right to be nervous. "The problem is you’re burnt out. You also don’t know where you’re going or what you’re doing," Toby declared within 10 minutes.

"Oh right," I responded matter of factly, as if he’d merely told me my cardigan label was sticking out.

"Have you ever considered writing a diary?" he peered at me while scribbling into his pad. I pictured the piles of unused, discarded moleskine notebooks festering under my bed among the sweet-and-salty popcorn crumbs, and squirmed.

London life exhausts me. From the relentless squeezing samba through crowds, to the sniffing colds that convulse through the city throughout the winter months. And then there’s the constant need to be 'plugged in' to document my hip, urban lifestyle on social media. Slightly ironic then that I’d chosen the COMO Metropolitan hotel bang in the heart of the Big Smoke of all places for my weekend spa retreat.

COMO Metropolitan, London
The COMO Metropolitan London's spa is known for its wide range of 'Urban Escape' packages Credit: Martin Morrell

But there was one obvious upside to a London spa break. I would avoid the stressful transport side of things that usually comes with a weekend away: no patchy weekend train service to contend with; no tedious three-hour Sunday night commute home.

So here I was sitting with Toby McGuire in an all-white room that would've been overlooking Hyde Park if it wasn’t windowless. He reeled off my prescription: The first was to write a list of things I want from life after the session. The second: to keep a diary of my thoughts, goals and how much I use my phone. Maybe it’s because Toby works in London, but he seemed to accept that city life is draining and crazy. "It’s up to us to choose the lifestyle that will make us happy, whether it’s living out rural idyll or a studio flat in Brixton, and absolutely seize each day," he said.

Just when I was drifting off in a fantasy of writing a bestseller next to my imaginary farm’s fireplace, swaddled in a Cath Kidston throw, Toby summoned me over to the massage table – the second part of the session was a stress-busting hypnotherapy treatment.

COMO Metropolitan, London
Insider tips: Try and bag the massage room with park views. And only go for the Shiatsu if you're tough enough!

I was slightly nervous about this – what if I ended up saying something incriminating in my sleep? Or – worse – farting? Before I had any more time to fret, Toby was getting me to take deep breaths:

He told me to imagine myself floating over gentle waves. I bobbed off languidly out to sea, then lost consciousness. The next time I woke up my muscles still felt like I was swimming; I wobbled off the bed. How strange I must’ve looked, whispering "I feel very light headed" over and over, hair looking like a bush hit by hurricane Irma, and my eye mask askew atop my head.

After my session with Toby, I had a Shiatsu, which turned out to be one of the least relaxing massages of my life. I knew something was up when the therapist tersely said: "This is a dry massage; no oils." then handed me a trouser suit. I pretty much forgot to breathe for an hour and just clung to the massage bed silently mouthing "ow ow ow!". By the end, I wasn’t sure if I felt lithe as an Olympic gymnast or like an overkneaded pizza dough. Possibly a bit of both.  

COMO Metropolitan London
The interiors at COMO Metropolitan London are whiter than a Daz advert

The best spa hotels in the north of England

Insider tip: a gruelling life coaching session and painful massage should always be followed up with something healthy and delicious (in the same vein that a trip on the night tube should always be rewarded with a kebab). I went for the spa menu’s seared tuna, and Stress Reliever smoothie with fennel, pomegranate and beetroot.

COMO Metropolitan’s rooms are ideal for relaxation after an intense spa sessions, with low Asian-style beds, oatmeal carpets, and pallid walnut furnishings. The highest rooms have sylvan views of Hyde Park, which you can admire from the deep-soak bath tubs. Design flourishes gently hum rather than shout: a curved pastel yellow armchair here, and picture frame displaying delicate pressed feathers there.

Rooms have complimentary yoga mats, and meditation exercises available via the TV's. With commitment to the cause, I drifted off to sleep listening to the nourishing American voice drift from the speakers, telling me "the day is over, there’s nothing to hold onto anymore" and urging me to be "aware of my power".

I woke up more energised than usual and skipped down to breakfast, served in the hushed, eye-scrunchingly bright White Room – where I felt strangely compelled to sit with with a rod-straight posture and whisper to the waiters, as if in a library. I chose from the health menu. The quinoa porridge was an experience best not repeated. And I spent the entire time with one hand splayed awkwardly on the table to conceal a speck of beetroot smoothie that had contaminated the dazzling-white tablecloth. Nonetheless, the presentation of my egg white frittata topped with spinach and slow-roasted tomatoes was highly hashtagable.

So would I recommend a London staycation to my fellow burn-out city dwellers – or a wellness retreat in the big smoke to my rural counterparts? Yes, though COMO’s offering is more a kick-up-the-backside rather than a coddling spa weekend. Also I’d urge anyone to take a long, bracing walk around Hyde Park opposite after checking out – to put off that dive into the Piccadilly line as long as you can.  

Body, Mind and Soul packages from £682 including three one-hour spa treatments and consultations, based on a one-night stay with breakfast. Rooms for guests with disabilities available. For more information on COMO Metropolitan London, read the full review, and for more Hyde Park recommendations, read our guide to the best hotels.

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